How to Waste Wisely My Days

focalpoint814171

 

This world, after all our science and sciences, is still a miracle;
wonderful, inscrutable, magical, and more,
to whosoever will think of it.

To awaken each morning with a smile brightening my face;
to greet the day with reverence for the opportunities it contains;
to approach my work with a clean mind;
to hold ever before me, even in the doing of little things,
the ultimate purpose toward which I am working;
to meet men and women with laughter on my lips and love in my heart;
to be gentle, kind, and courteous through all the hours;
to approach the night with weariness that ever woos sleep
and the joy that comes from work well done –
this is how I desire to waste wisely my days.
~Thomas Dekker, 16th century British playwright

 

qalmate

 

begoniawhite

 

I work hard at wasting my days wisely.  Summers are a classic opportunity to waste time and I do – happily – yet there is always a hint of regret that I could have made more of a bright clear morning, a sunny afternoon, or a full-moon night.

Yet how better to waste my days than to find ways for my work to be more joyous, if only through a smile, a shared chuckle, a kind word, a generous gesture.

Waste away, dear days.  The world, after all, is still a miracle and needs someone to notice.

 

sunsetrestored814171

 

barnsunset81417

 

Financial support for the daily Barnstorming Blog

To keep this blog ad-free, any support is appreciated.

$10.00

To Labor and Not Seek Reward

daylily7917

 

crow

 

And then there was St Kevin and the blackbird.
The saint is kneeling, arms stretched out, inside
His cell, but the cell is narrow, so

One turned-up palm is out the window, stiff
As a crossbeam, when a blackbird lands
And lays in it and settles down to nest.

Kevin feels the warm eggs, the small breast, the tucked
Neat head and claws and, finding himself linked
Into the network of eternal life,

Is moved to pity: now he must hold his hand
Like a branch out in the sun and rain for weeks
Until the young are hatched and fledged and flown.

*

And since the whole thing’s imagined anyhow,
Imagine being Kevin. Which is he?
Self-forgetful or in agony all the time

From the neck on out down through his hurting forearms?
Are his fingers sleeping? Does he still feel his knees?
Or has the shut-eyed blank of underearth

Crept up through him? Is there distance in his head?
Alone and mirrored clear in love’s deep river,
‘To labour and not to seek reward,’ he prays,

A prayer his body makes entirely
For he has forgotten self, forgotten bird
And on the riverbank forgotten the river’s name.
~Seamus Heaney “St. Kevin and the Blackbird”

 

yellowmorning2

 

Eternal Word, only begotten Son of God,
Teach me true generosity.
Teach me to serve you as you deserve.
To give without counting the cost,
To fight heedless of wounds,
To labor without seeking rest,
To sacrifice myself without thought of any reward
Save the knowledge that I have done your will.
Amen.

~St. Ignatius’ Prayer for Generosity

 

thistlegrass

 

Heaney shifts from the literal (if “imagined”) physical world to the metaphysical and symbolic. In the midst of burnout and mental detachment, Kevin is somehow returned to and reconnected with his calling at a level deeper than conscious thought. Indeed, in the span of one brief line break, it is as though he has become indistinguishable from his life’s mission itself: he is “mirrored clear” in the pure, deep waters of an empathetic love for the “network of eternal life” into which he is presently and vitally “linked.”

The way Heaney constructs the next two lines calls attention to the paradox of mindfulness he illuminates. Kevin “prays,” which perhaps most immediately suggests that he entreats God to help him “labour and not to seek reward.” But after the stanza break, Heaney reveals that this prayer is not at all what the reader might have expected; Kevin’s prayer is not conscious because he is no longer conscious in the workaday-world way. Rather, Kevin’s is

“A prayer his body makes entirely
For he has forgotten self, forgotten bird
And on the riverbank forgotten the river’s name.

When he can no longer muster the energy to think of the life entrusted to him, his own delights and discomforts in fostering that life, or even the original life force (here, the “river”) that led to his vocation, it is as if a kind of autonomic spirituality kicks in to complement the compassionate detachment with which—or in which—he holds the blackbird. Body and soul and work are one.
~Kimberly R. Myers, PhD, MA from “Mindfulness and Seamus Heaney” from JAMA’s
A Piece of My Mind, Aug.1, 2017

 

hydrangeaaugust

…we have tried to do too much, pretending to be in such control of things that we are indispensible…

…if you’re like me, you take a kind of comfort in being busy. The danger is that we will come to feel too useful, so full of purpose and the necessity of fulfilling obligations that we lose sight of God’s play with creation, and with ourselves.
~Kathleen Norris from The Quotidian Mysteries

 

foothillssunset73117

 

 

Removing the Splinter

 

 

To pull the metal splinter from my palm
my father recited a story in a low voice.
I watched his lovely face and not the blade.
Before the story ended, he’d removed
the iron sliver I thought I’d die from.

I can’t remember the tale,
but hear his voice still, a well
of dark water, a prayer.
And I recall his hands,
two measures of tenderness
he laid against my face,
the flames of discipline
he raised above my head.

Had you entered that afternoon
you would have thought you saw a man
planting something in a boy’s palm,
a silver tear, a tiny flame.
Had you followed that boy
you would have arrived here,
where I bend over my wife’s right hand.

Look how I shave her thumbnail down
so carefully she feels no pain.
Watch as I lift the splinter out.
I was seven when my father
took my hand like this,
and I did not hold that shard
between my fingers and think,
Metal that will bury me,
christen it Little Assassin,
Ore Going Deep for My Heart.
And I did not lift up my wound and cry,
Death visited here!
I did what a child does
when he’s given something to keep.
I kissed my father.
~Li-Young Lee, “The Gift” from Rose

 

 

I did, without ever wanting to, remove my child’s splinter, lance a boil, immobilize a broken arm, pull together sliced skin, clean many dirty wounds. It felt like I crossed the line between mommy and doctor.  But someone had to do it, and a four hour wait in the emergency room didn’t seem warranted.

My own child learned to cope with hurt made worse by someone they trusted to be comforter.
I dealt with inflicting pain, temporary though it may be, to flesh that arose from my flesh.  It hurt as much as if it were my own wound needing cleansing, not theirs.

Our wounds are His – He is constantly feeling our pain as He performs healing surgeries in our lives, not because He wants to but because He must, to save us from our own destruction.
Too often we yell and kick and protest in our distress, making it all that much more difficult for both of us.

If only we can come to acknowledge His intervention is our salvage:
our tears to flow in relief, not anguish,
we cling to His protection rather than pushing Him away,
we kiss Him in gratitude as we are restored again and yet again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Missing the Knock on the Door

barndoor

 

When a great moment knocks on the door of your life,
it is often no louder than the beating of your heart,
and it is very easy to miss it.
~Boris Pasternak

 

 

 

Years ago, a young woman I’d been treating for depression for several weeks in my clinic called unexpectedly on a Friday afternoon and canceled an upcoming appointment for the following Monday and did not reschedule. The receptionist sent me a message as is our policy for patients who “cancel and do not reschedule”. It gave me a bad feeling that she was turning her back on her treatment plan and I was uneasy about the upcoming weekend without knowing what was going on with her.

I could have just put on my coat and headed home at the end of that long Friday after a very stressful work week and even more stressful year. I was discouraged about many aspects of the clinic work load and the after-hours responsibilities only seemed to get heavier.  I was frustrated at how ineffectively I was communicating to administrative supervisors about the need for change.  I was ready to quit and walk away.

Instead I decided to call my patient to find out how she was doing.  She didn’t answer her phone. I mulled over my options, looked up her apartment address and drove the few blocks to get there. As I approached her door, I could hear someone moving around in her apartment, but she ignored my knocks and my voice and when I tried the door, it was locked.

So I stayed right there, talking to her through the door for about 15 minutes, letting her know I wasn’t leaving until she opened up the door. I finally told her she could decide to open the door or I would call 911 and ask the police to come to make sure she was okay. She then unlocked the door, tears streaming down her face. She had been drinking heavily, with liquor bottles strewn around on the floor. She admitted an intent to overdose on aspirin and vodka. The vodka was already consumed but the unopened aspirin bottle was in her hand. I was the last person she expected to see at her door.

Miraculously the mental health unit at the local hospital had an open bed. I told my patient that we could save time and hassle by heading over there together right then and there, and avoid the emergency room mess, and the possibility of an involuntary detainment.

She agreed to come with me and be admitted voluntarily for stabilization. I visited the hospital the next day and she greeted me with a hug and thanked me for not giving up on her when she had given up on herself. In sobriety, her eyes were brighter and she was more hopeful. She never expected anyone to care enough to come knock on her door when she was at her lowest point,  and she struggled to answer, as consumed as she was in her own painfully beating heart.

She was astounded and grateful and frankly, by deciding to do what I knew was necessary and right even though it disregarded every workplace policy, so was I.

Four years later, a small card arrived in my clinic mailbox on another most challenging work day from an unfamiliar address two thousand miles away. The name looked vaguely familiar to me but when I opened and read the contents, this time the knock on the door was to get my attention, to focus the beating of my heart on what was most important – not the stresses of my work place — and it was my turn to let tears flow:

 

“Dear Doctor,

I am not sure if you will remember me considering you see a number of patients daily; however, I am a patient whose life you changed in the most positive way. I never truly THANKED YOU for listening to me and hearing my silent words of grief and hearing my cries for help. If it had not been for you, had you not knocked on my door, I would not be writing this letter to you today. I don’t know exactly what to say to the person who saved me from hurting myself fatally. You were a stranger in my life, but a dear friend in my time of need. THANK YOU, for everything that you did for me. You have a permanent place in my heart, you have given my spirit hope, you have reminded me that a life is worth living. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Sincerely, L_____”

 

I’m grateful 4 years ago I had the sense to go knock on her door when all she could hear was the beating of her own painful heart. I had the stubbornness to stay put until she responded, and most of all, I’m appreciative for her gracious note letting me know it made a difference. When I needed it the most, she made a difference for me that has kept me on the job all these years later.

She knocked, oh so gently, on my door and I opened it, amazed that someone cared, and found me awash in my own tears.

 

 

Mission Accomplished

cornfieldcrisscross

 

mowingfield

 

 

And on those hot afternoons in July,
when my father was out on the tractor
cultivating rows of corn, my mother
would send us out with a Mason jar
filled with ice and water, a dish towel
wrapped around it for insulation.

Like a rocket launched to an orbiting
planet, we would cut across the fields
in a trajectory calculated to intercept—
or, perhaps, even—surprise him
in his absorption with the row and the
turning always over earth beneath the blade.

He would look up and see us, throttle
down, stop, and step from the tractor
with the grace of a cowboy dismounting
his horse, and receive gratefully the jar
of water, ice cubes now melted into tiny
shards, drinking it down in a single gulp,
while we watched, mission accomplished.
~Joyce Sutphen “Carrying Water to the Field”

 

 

sunsetcornfield

 

It was a special responsibility to carry cold water out to my father when he was on the tractor.  Yes, he could have carried a thermos-full along with him all day but then he would not have seen his daughter walking carefully from the house over the fresh-turned dirt, he would not have an excuse for a short break to wipe the sweat from his face or survey the straightness of the furrows, he would not have lifted her up to sit beside him on the tractor and allowed her to “drive”, steering down the rows, curving around the killdeer nests so their young are spared.

Such a special responsibility to nurture someone hard at work who doesn’t stop to refill themselves. It happens rarely any more – whether field or factory or the family home. What wondrous love to carry water to those who thirst; what wondrous grace fills furrowed lives.

 

eveninglight611:17

 

field52151

 

sunset715173

 

 

 

Dusted

dustybee

beeweed

 

“Bees do have a smell, you know,
and if they don’t they should,
for their feet are dusted with spices from a million flowers.”

― Ray Bradbury, Dandelion Wine

 

beeblu

bee

 

I admire the honey bee as pollinator and pollen gatherer simultaneously, facilitating new fruit from the blossom as well as taking away that which will become sweet honey tasting of the spicy essence of the flower touched.

As a physician, I can only hope to be as transformative in the work I do every day.  I carry with me tens of thousands of patients I’ve seen over thirty five years of medical practice.  There is no way I can touch another human being without keeping some small part of them with me – perhaps a memory of an open wound or the residual scar it left behind, a word of sorrow or gratitude, a grimace, a tear or a smile.

Each patient is a flower visited, some still in bud, some in full bloom, some seed pods ready to burst, some spent and wilting and ready to fall away.  Each patient carries a spicy vitality, even in their illness and dying, that is unforgettable and still clings to me. Each patient changes me, the doctor, readying me for the next patient by teaching me a gentler approach, a clearer explanation, a slower leave-taking.  Each patient becomes part of my story, adding to my skill as a healer, and is never to be forgotten.

It has been my privilege to be thoroughly dusted by those I’ve loved and cared for.  I want to carry that on to create something wonderful that reflects the spice of living.

Nothing could smell or taste as sweet.

 

beechestnut

cornbee

beebye

wwubusybees

The Vaccination Conundrum

cacti4

 

It is proof of MMR immunity season again.  Students entering school this fall are being asked to prove they have been fully vaccinated against Mump, Measles (rubeola) and Rubella infection as well as other routine immunizations in order to be allowed to enroll.  A small but significant and vehement minority insist they should be allowed a personal exemption from the requirement that the majority willingly comply with.

Concerned, caring parents make the decision every day to forego life-saving immunity by refusing to vaccinate their children, truly believing they are doing the right thing. They do not perceive an imminent risk to their child from the older contagious diseases despite their resurgence in developed countries like the U.S., focusing instead on the low—or often non-existent but ballyhooed—risks of vaccinations.

These are parents—most of them well-educated and on both ends of the political spectrum—who refuse to vaccinate their children, thereby denying a consensus of scientific evidence and increasing the risk for further outbreaks. “Oh my God. Wealthy, white, liberal enclaves are at risk!” declares Daily Show correspondent Samantha Bee, mocking the anti-vaccine bloggers and activists. So too at risk are some conservative Christian church communities where vaccination rates are low.

As clever the satire may be, I can’t bring myself to laugh or crack a smile. Now in my 60s, I remember the illnesses brought on by these diseases before vaccines. As a physician, I’ve seen cases of them coming back with fatal consequences.

Maybe some of us have forgotten or are too young to realize the severity of these conditions. Healthcare providers who haven’t had firsthand experience with these contagious diseases don’t always think of them when confronted with classic signs and symptoms. But it’s only been a little over 50 years since vaccinations became routine for childhood killers like tetanus, diphtheria, polio, measles, mumps, and pertussis, or whooping cough. Americans growing up before then had no choice but to suffer through childhood infectious diseases as they quickly spread through a community.

Most of us survived our illnesses, rewarded for our affliction with permanent natural immunity. Others suffered lifelong consequences: paralysis from polio, deafness from rubella, sterility from mumps. Some did not survive at all. My father nearly died at age 41 from a case of the mumps I brought home from school. As an infant, my sister-in-law almost didn’t pull through when she turned blue from pertussis infection.

Today, I’ve seen healthy people develop encephalitis and pneumonia from chicken pox. A fit college student in my practice died of influenza within a week of the start of his symptoms. Our university clinic just diagnosed a case of mumps during a local outbreak.  Our herd-immunity for many vaccine-preventable conditions has been waning, as reports of pertussis, measles, mumps, and chicken pox reemerge, in affluent countries with robust health care systems.

Parents who opt to leave their children unvaccinated contribute to the recent outbreaks. Well-meaning American parents are convinced they are doing the best thing by protecting their children from potentially rare and often unproven vaccine side effects. Some Christian parents claim vaccine risks are unwarranted, since God will provide the needed immunity if their children gets sick.

Most cases originate overseas, so it’s especially critical that Americans be vaccinated when traveling outside the U.S., even to Europe. (Those who serve in mission fields are particularly vulnerable, and I’ve found it interesting that previously unvaccinated Christians are more than willing to accept immunizations when they know for certain they will be exposed.)

As a physician of faith, I tell parents God indeed provides immunity. But as we’ve seen over millennia, it comes by very real suffering through a potentially fatal disease. In our modern society, God grants us everyday miracles, both pharmacologic and surgical, including the potential of long-lasting immunity in the form of a vial of vaccine. I don’t think these parents would deny insulin for their child newly diagnosed with diabetes, nor would they fail to strap their child into a car seat before starting the ignition. Vaccines are instruments of prevention, too, given to our healthy youngsters in order to keep them (and others) healthy.

“I’m concerned that so many people seem willing to let others carry the supposed burden of vaccination so that they don’t have to,” wrote Rachel Marie Stone in a Her.meneutics post several years ago. “To me, that’s a failure of the commandment to love our neighbors: our infant neighbors, our elderly neighbors, and our immune-compromised neighbors.”

When I was vaccinated for diphtheria, pertussis, and tetanus (DPT) at the age of 4 months in 1954, my mother wrote in my baby book: Up most of the night with fever 104.5 degrees, a good “take” for the vaccine. She was relieved that it had made me sick, as it meant that my stimulated immune system would keep me safe if exposed to those killer diseases that were so common in the 1950s. Our society doesn’t think about immunizations as we did back then and thankfully a febrile reaction like that would be unusual due to significant changes in how today’s more effective vaccines are formulated.

I wish vaccines were perfect in their protection and potential side effects, but they aren’t. I wish medications developed for treatment of some of these illnesses were perfectly effective, but we can’t depend on a guarantee of cure once sickened. I wish our immune systems were perfect in their response to exposure to pathogens, but they too fail and people do die. Even though there will never be perfect prevention or treatment, parents in third world countries who have watched their children suffer and die from completely preventable disease will walk miles, for days, to get their children vaccinated when they learn of a mobile health clinic setting up an immunization center. Undeterred by that harsh reality, some in our highly educated society choose to run, not walk, in the opposite direction from much more easily accessible free state-supplied vaccine.

There will always be a new plague to worry about. Even as we eradicated illnesses through vaccine, we watched HIV, SARS, avian flu, multidrug-resistant tuberculosis, and MERS infect us. Some countries have seen the return of polio, and we remain concerned over smallpox somehow finding its way out of its lockbox in laboratories.

Given these threats and the new pathogens on the horizon, it remains unwise to refuse safe and effective vaccination. By doing so, we invite the old plagues, these killers of yesteryear, back into our homes, our churches and schools, and inevitably, onto our death certificates.

We can and must do better for our next generation.

 

(an earlier version of this essay was published online three years ago with a significant negative reaction from Christian readers.  It bears repetition because anti-vaccination beliefs continue to be an issue in the midst of current rubeola measles and mumps outbreaks in the U.S.)

cacti9